where to start?

I want someone to talk to about my food issues ... maybe my bf, maybe a friend, but I don't even know where to start .....
Do I start by saying how I think about food alllll day? Not a moment goes by where I'm not planning food, thinking about how much I ate, how much I should eat, how much I need to burn off.
Do I say how everything, EVERYTHING comes back to my food or body issues? It doesn't matter if I'm upset about work or family or money, it all comes back to food. And I don't know how to make it not revolve around food!
Do I talk about how I want to feel better, but better right now means eating less and losing weight, which really isn't better?! About how I don't know how to eat less, but I really want to!
Do I explain how I want to be sick? And that I'm not sick! But I have to be sick in some way if I want this for myself! I mean really, who wants to turn out like that?!?!
How about the fact that I'm constantly having some sort of struggle with myself. I want to be happy, but I don't know how to be. People don't get that. I don't get that! Or the fact that I want to be healthy, and I know that healthy means not counting calories, or restricting, but I don't want to give that up. Cuz healthy to me means being 40lbs lighter than I am right now.
And this isn't just some average girl thinks she's fat when she actually isn't. This is me knowing I'm overweight and feeling like I'll never be happy with myself until I get down to that goal weight. And I don't know how to get down to that goal weight without being unhealthy. I know it's not right to restrict and binge, but I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with food, with myself. I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with anyone. How can I have a proper relationship with anyone when I'm keeping this big secret from people? But I don't know how to share it. I'm afraid if I share it I'll lose it. It won't be mine anymore. I'm afraid that if I share people will think it's worse than it actually is and will always be watching me. Or maybe I'm afraid that no one will take me seriously (I mean, who has before?) and no one will be watching me.
If I can't even figure out where to start here, how do I figure out where to start if I actually talk to people about it? Fuck I'm so confusing!

fatorexia?

I saw this on PT and I thought it was brilliant! Although I'm pretty sure I'm fatorexic! There are times when I look in the mirror and think I'm actually making progress and my stomach is starting to shrink ..... and then I walk away from the mirror/sit down/get dressed/whatever and my rolls suddenly protrude. Does that even make sense?!?! Ugh, it's frustrating! Or one day I'll be feeling really good about myself, everything fits, I look good, feel good, getting tons of compliments ... and then the next day I'm having a complete fat day ... rolls hanging out, clothes not fitting. I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I really do hate myself :(

I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of limbo-type-thing ....
I want to do anything I have to do to lose weight. I'm willing to count calories, overexercise blah blah blah, but then the fat girl takes over and it just seems SO much easier to shove food in my mouth and worry about the reprecussions later! And then I just want to give up on this whole ED thing and have some sort of happy relationship with food and my body. But I've never had this, so how do I even start now? I'm disappointed in myself for not having a "proper" ED, I want to try harder to be "better" at it, and then I hate myself for even thinking that. It's like I can't even make up my freakin mind about it!

Ugh, I'm not even making sense!