I feel like I'm descending deeper into this ED thing. It's frightening and thrilling all at the same time. It's mainly frightening cuz I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught and lose this one thing I have control over. I enjoy the control. It's all I have. The thrill of seeing the dial on the scale go down everyday, every hour is like a drug. I need my daily, hourly fix!

I've been consuming the recommended caloric intake of a female 40lbs lighter than I am. It's been working for me :) I lost about 5lbs last month and i'm aiming for another 5 this month. I can't explain how much happier I would be if I lost more than 5lbs, but I'm trying to realistic and not set myself up for failure. I was actually a little shocked with myself. Usually when I cut my caloric intake a bit it just sets me up for a binge-fest, but lately I haven't been too bad. I've been finding myself more able to control the urging voices in my head. God, I sould crazy!

"A" got home from treatment last week and I feel like I'm a fraud around her. How can I want her to be healthy, but know that I'm not making healthy choices myself. I'm not going to let this get out of control though. I have a realistic goal set in mind (115-120), so it's not like i'm aiming for something unhealthy. I just want to be happy and skinny = happy!