love/hate

in the last little while everyone's lives around me seemed to have changed ... some people getting engaged, some getting married, having babies, starting careers, travelling the world ..... and i'm stuck.

sometimes i hate being a 20-something.
i feel like there's all this pressure to establish yourself
and buy a home
and find a great job
and get married
and have kids
and
and
and
......
what if i'm not there?
am i insufficient?
Am i incomplete?
that's how i feel
and why? why should i?
i'm 25. i'm trying to find a job. i'm in a happy relationship.
can't i just live for awhile instead of feeling like i need to be in check with everyone around me?
why is it all a competition?
i'm not trying to deny any of these people the opportunity to be happy. i hope they are happy and their lives are great and they get everything that they want (well most of them)
but why does society put so much pressure on the rest of us to do the same?
what if i don't want to have kids?
what if i don't want to get married yet?
is my life going to be worse than everyone else?
am i going to be missing out on something if i don't do it right away?
is life over if i don't 'live' it now?
this is why i need to be skinny!!!
cuz of all the outside pressure that has put it in my head that i'm not good enough.
all these people talking about weight
and diets
and not eating
and looking pregnant
and being skinny
and
and
and
.....
this is so engrained in my head that i feel so insufficient, that i feel like i'm not skinny enough or pretty enough or need to be doing something better with my life.
blah
blah
blah.
and yet as i sit here writing this and have this empowering "aha!" moment, i don't truly feel empowered.
as i write i still have that nasty little voice in my head telling me that i'm not good enough and not skinny enough and no one truly loves me

i hate you!


but i know you're right