Let's talk ....

I'm a firm believer in talking stuff out ...whether that be with a friend, a stranger, a counselor ... whoever.
I have a therapist that I see once a week, but sometimes I feel like that's just not enough. 45 mins a week I can be my true self, without holding anything back. She doesn't know everything about me, but she knows a huge chunk of life that I haven't even thought about sharing with anyone else. No, that's a lie.
I've thought about sharing it with other people, but I worry that .... that what? That they won't believe me, that they won't give me the time of day to say all of the things I need to purge, that they won't truly care.

In talking to my shrink today (side note: It's kinda funny that I go to a shrink for body/food issues, isn't it? .... cue lame joke about a shrink helping me to shrink wahwahwah) ... anyways, talking to her today I came to the realization that 45 mins a week just isn't enough sometimes (most of the time).

I go in there talking about something
Which could open the window to something else
Which could make me think about something I haven't talked about in a long time
Which could make me realize I'm repressing stuff I didn't even know I was repressing
which could make me question my entire existance
which could make me question everyone around me
which could make me ....
.... oh time's up!

Wait, what was I talking about in the first place? And now I'm back to work, feeling like shit cuz I've been analyzing my life and relationships and body and food and blahblahblah for the last 45 mins and all i want to do is crawl into bed and run away from the world. And so I spent the remainder of the day with my head in the clouds, bearly able to concentrate on work .....

.... cuz today I realized that my mum is largely to blame for my issues. Don't get me wrong, my mother is wonderful. But as I've grown older my relationship has dwindled and I don't really have, well, much of a relationship at all with her. She was a single mother from the time I was 8, so I appreciate all the things that she did to raise 3 kids on her own, while dealing with my douchey dad (whole different entry!). Because she had to deal with all this crap of being a single mother, working multiple jobs and dealing with an asshole ex husband, I feel really guilty ever knocking her. For the majority of my life I have blamed my father for my issues (and still blame him for a large part of my issues). But I have a hard time placing the blame on people (even if it is my dad). I often wonder if we place blame on others because we are afraid of our own shortcomings. So in blaming someone else for our mistakes we don't have to own up to the fact that we have screwed ourselves over. So after many years of blaming myself for being a fuckup (well, mainly blaming my dad, but also myself) I've realized that my mum has had a pretty big part in it too. (even writing that makes me a little anxious with guilt ... will I ever get over it?)

She has her own food/weight/self esteem issues, and now she's fucked me up too!! I told my therapist today that my mum has no idea that I have an eating disorder, my therapist was shocked. How could she have any idea? She's wrapped up in her own delusional eating disordered world. And when she's not, she's wrapped up in my sisters life. It's been kinda perfect actually, I could get away with it ....except that it's not really that obvious that I have an eating disorder. I'm on the higher end of a healthy weight range for a woman my height. I was overweight, but now I'm not. So if anything I'm healthy right? Plus, if I were to ever confess to my mother that there's a possibily that I could have an eating disorder (although she may not say it) I feel like she might be a tiny bit disappointed that i'm not anorexic. I mean, what's the point of having an ed if you're not gonna end up being skinny, right? God, I hope that's just me being crazy thinking she could actually think that way.

Whoa, I feel like I've written way tooo much ... and yet I haven't gotten out nearly half of what goes through my head. My boyfriend is at work tonite so I feel like I could write for hours. Why do I feel self conscious about writing while he's here? he'll ask too many questions ... and not cuz he's trying to pry, but just cuz he's genuinely concerned. he's one of the people that I would love to share my struggles with, bgut he's also the one person I fear I will freak out the most and send runnign for the hills.

I've lost my train of thought and feel like I've gone totally off track now, so I'll leave it at that. But maybe, hopefully I'll start writing in here more.


It's actually quite therapeautic.

It's been awhile and not much has changed :(
I've stopped going to the gym. I've lost motivation. And I've hit a plateau. Hitting a plateau is probably the worst thing I could ever! Because when I hit a plateau I generally start to go back up.

I can't go back up.

I need to get my shit together. I'm finally working a full-time job. One job. No evenings. NO weekends! Just one 9-5 job. And so I need to get motivated to get my ass back to the gym. I need to get motivated to stop eating again! I saw the results, so why did I stop? I hate myself!

I've felt like shit lately. I'm not happy with my life. And it all comes back to my body. I've been eating too much, I haven't been working out and it's taking a toll on me. I need to get my shit together. Why am i always saying this? ... and never doing anything about it?

Smarten the fuck up!

It's thanksgiving weekend, I had one family dinner yesterday and I have another one today. I will allow myself to indulge, but I WILL NOT OVERINDULGE!!! And from now on Monday-Friday will be 500 cals only! I NEED to start counting again! I will allow myself to eat more on weekends, but only b/c it's harder to hide itif I don't eat! And I'll start going to the gym again! At least 3 times a week for the month of October! PLUS yoga on Sundays! I HAVE to do this.

Do it right you stupid bitch!

where to start?

I want someone to talk to about my food issues ... maybe my bf, maybe a friend, but I don't even know where to start .....
Do I start by saying how I think about food alllll day? Not a moment goes by where I'm not planning food, thinking about how much I ate, how much I should eat, how much I need to burn off.
Do I say how everything, EVERYTHING comes back to my food or body issues? It doesn't matter if I'm upset about work or family or money, it all comes back to food. And I don't know how to make it not revolve around food!
Do I talk about how I want to feel better, but better right now means eating less and losing weight, which really isn't better?! About how I don't know how to eat less, but I really want to!
Do I explain how I want to be sick? And that I'm not sick! But I have to be sick in some way if I want this for myself! I mean really, who wants to turn out like that?!?!
How about the fact that I'm constantly having some sort of struggle with myself. I want to be happy, but I don't know how to be. People don't get that. I don't get that! Or the fact that I want to be healthy, and I know that healthy means not counting calories, or restricting, but I don't want to give that up. Cuz healthy to me means being 40lbs lighter than I am right now.
And this isn't just some average girl thinks she's fat when she actually isn't. This is me knowing I'm overweight and feeling like I'll never be happy with myself until I get down to that goal weight. And I don't know how to get down to that goal weight without being unhealthy. I know it's not right to restrict and binge, but I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with food, with myself. I don't know how to have a healthy relationship with anyone. How can I have a proper relationship with anyone when I'm keeping this big secret from people? But I don't know how to share it. I'm afraid if I share it I'll lose it. It won't be mine anymore. I'm afraid that if I share people will think it's worse than it actually is and will always be watching me. Or maybe I'm afraid that no one will take me seriously (I mean, who has before?) and no one will be watching me.
If I can't even figure out where to start here, how do I figure out where to start if I actually talk to people about it? Fuck I'm so confusing!

fatorexia?

I saw this on PT and I thought it was brilliant! Although I'm pretty sure I'm fatorexic! There are times when I look in the mirror and think I'm actually making progress and my stomach is starting to shrink ..... and then I walk away from the mirror/sit down/get dressed/whatever and my rolls suddenly protrude. Does that even make sense?!?! Ugh, it's frustrating! Or one day I'll be feeling really good about myself, everything fits, I look good, feel good, getting tons of compliments ... and then the next day I'm having a complete fat day ... rolls hanging out, clothes not fitting. I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I really do hate myself :(

I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of limbo-type-thing ....
I want to do anything I have to do to lose weight. I'm willing to count calories, overexercise blah blah blah, but then the fat girl takes over and it just seems SO much easier to shove food in my mouth and worry about the reprecussions later! And then I just want to give up on this whole ED thing and have some sort of happy relationship with food and my body. But I've never had this, so how do I even start now? I'm disappointed in myself for not having a "proper" ED, I want to try harder to be "better" at it, and then I hate myself for even thinking that. It's like I can't even make up my freakin mind about it!

Ugh, I'm not even making sense!

love/hate

in the last little while everyone's lives around me seemed to have changed ... some people getting engaged, some getting married, having babies, starting careers, travelling the world ..... and i'm stuck.

sometimes i hate being a 20-something.
i feel like there's all this pressure to establish yourself
and buy a home
and find a great job
and get married
and have kids
and
and
and
......
what if i'm not there?
am i insufficient?
Am i incomplete?
that's how i feel
and why? why should i?
i'm 25. i'm trying to find a job. i'm in a happy relationship.
can't i just live for awhile instead of feeling like i need to be in check with everyone around me?
why is it all a competition?
i'm not trying to deny any of these people the opportunity to be happy. i hope they are happy and their lives are great and they get everything that they want (well most of them)
but why does society put so much pressure on the rest of us to do the same?
what if i don't want to have kids?
what if i don't want to get married yet?
is my life going to be worse than everyone else?
am i going to be missing out on something if i don't do it right away?
is life over if i don't 'live' it now?
this is why i need to be skinny!!!
cuz of all the outside pressure that has put it in my head that i'm not good enough.
all these people talking about weight
and diets
and not eating
and looking pregnant
and being skinny
and
and
and
.....
this is so engrained in my head that i feel so insufficient, that i feel like i'm not skinny enough or pretty enough or need to be doing something better with my life.
blah
blah
blah.
and yet as i sit here writing this and have this empowering "aha!" moment, i don't truly feel empowered.
as i write i still have that nasty little voice in my head telling me that i'm not good enough and not skinny enough and no one truly loves me

i hate you!


but i know you're right

I feel like I'm descending deeper into this ED thing. It's frightening and thrilling all at the same time. It's mainly frightening cuz I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught and lose this one thing I have control over. I enjoy the control. It's all I have. The thrill of seeing the dial on the scale go down everyday, every hour is like a drug. I need my daily, hourly fix!

I've been consuming the recommended caloric intake of a female 40lbs lighter than I am. It's been working for me :) I lost about 5lbs last month and i'm aiming for another 5 this month. I can't explain how much happier I would be if I lost more than 5lbs, but I'm trying to realistic and not set myself up for failure. I was actually a little shocked with myself. Usually when I cut my caloric intake a bit it just sets me up for a binge-fest, but lately I haven't been too bad. I've been finding myself more able to control the urging voices in my head. God, I sould crazy!

"A" got home from treatment last week and I feel like I'm a fraud around her. How can I want her to be healthy, but know that I'm not making healthy choices myself. I'm not going to let this get out of control though. I have a realistic goal set in mind (115-120), so it's not like i'm aiming for something unhealthy. I just want to be happy and skinny = happy!

borrddd

1 .Do you parents know about your ED? never!!! but i think they play a HUGE role in it

2. How about your friends? not really, no one will ever know the extent of it :)

3. Ever been to recovery? nope, not sick enough.

4. How much weight do you want to lose? 40-50 lbs

5. What do you think started your ED? my mum's food issues/body issues ... typical angst during teen years, family family family!!!

6. What other illnesses besides an ED do you have? anxiety and depression.

7. Do any of your friends have an ED?one, and she's back in treatment, so i hate myself even more for wanting this while she's trying to get better!!

8. Does anyone in your family have an ED? as far as i'm concerned the majority of my immediate family has "food issues" and my mum has bulemic tendencies

9. How often do you weigh yourself? 7 or 8 times when on one's around ..... 2 or 3 when i run the risk of getting noticed :S

Put an "x" in the boxes that apply to you
[] I am or have been suicidal
[x] I do/used to self harm
[] I drink/use drugs
[ x] I purge
[x] I hide/throw away food
[x] I hardly have any friends because of my ED
[x] I never go out anymore
[] I exercise excessively

Finish the sentence...
1. When I weigh myself…I get pissed off for eating
2. I eat.. to fill the void, to hide emotions, to make myself feel better (but only feel worse)
3. I hate... Myself
4. If I were at my ultimate goal weight…I would finally be happy
5. If my parents knew about my ED…my mum wouldn't believe me cuz i'm too fat to have an ED
6. I need…to be skinny
7. I wish...i wasn't so fat
8. I lie… to everyone so that no one knows the real true me
9. I miss... being happy

i'm lost.
i'm lonely.
i don't know where i belong or even who i belong to.
i know i'm not on my own, but i feel like am.
i feel like i'm not making any sense.
i'm not making any sense.
i sound all emo.
im not emo.

i'm just lost and lonely.
i need someone.
anyone.
i have no one but myself.
i hate myself.

god i'm so emo